I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
