The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
