i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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