Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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