New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
