woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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