she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
