Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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