she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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