Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
