My brain says no but my pants say off.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
