If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
