Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
