My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
