After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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