I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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