I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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