it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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