is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
