Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
