you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
