There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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