God, you're like boner-b-gone
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
