I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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