I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
