i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
even my farts smell like vagina
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
