my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
