I got chris browned last night
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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