I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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