We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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