I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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