It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
