he told me I talked like a deaf person
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I need to align my fucking chakras
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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