make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
