I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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