just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
