question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
