Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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