i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
