I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
