Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
