Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
