Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize