I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
