I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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