i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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