My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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