Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
