Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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