I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
