If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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