So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
and you fell through a lawn chair
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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