I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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