I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
