all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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